Friendships are naturally a challenging thing to form for us because of difficulties in understanding social cues and non-verbal communication as well as issues associated with social anxiety. This can mean individuals give up quickly on friendships or simple avoid the idea all together.
In primary school I had two good friends that I spent a lot of time with, the three of us were a little group and I was very happy with this. I struggle with big groups of people so for me this little group was perfect. I think reflecting back one of these girls was definitely on the autistic spectrum too which probably helped me to bond with them!!
At the end of primary school we moved house as a family and I started at a secondary school where I know nobody except my sister in the year above me. I didn't really keep in contact with my two friends from primary school and for the next 5 years jumped between friendships.
I was 'used' a lot in friendships at this point. I would befriend people who were new and didn't know anyone or who were vulnerable for a period of time. I was often abandoned, people would grow and want more and just leave me. This was so hard as I just didn't understand what I was doing wrong.
I spent a fair amount of break/ lunchtimes wandering around the playground alone trying to not look like the odd one. I had various support from the student support team, friendship groups at tutor times, social skills support etc. To me at the time this felt pointless, it felt like a lot of work that was exhausting and for no benefit.
My sister was my rock at various points throughout secondary school, I would spend a lot of time with her and her friendship group who were so welcoming and inclusive for me. This meant so much to me, I loved being included.
When I moved onto sixth form I settled into a group that I spent a lot of time with, I began to experience peer support for the first time, I loved it. It was at this point I started to talk more openly about being autistic I was surprised at their response. It didn't change how they thought of me and that meant so much.
In my earlier years of secondary school I had talked to a few friends about the fact that I was autistic and it massively backfired on many occasions making me feel like it was a bad thing and definitely something to hide. I remember two particular incidences, one where one girl told me her mum said she wasn't allowed to spend time with me any more in case she caught it. another friend told me I was the reason her parents pay so much in taxes to get the likes of me though school. These things hurt me so much and while don't hurt so much anymore still make me cross to think there are people out there who have this view of autism.
Part way though sixth form I started running at a local athletics club, this is where I met the most amazing friend who has been the most understanding and excepting person. She has restored my faith that I can be a good friend and that friendships are enjoyable. I finally feel this is a friendship that is equal we both give as much to each other as we get from each other (well that's what I think, she might disagree!!).
As I have gone though university I have again met some incredibly understanding and wonderful friends who are just accepted and supported me for who I am. I have loved that fact that over the past few years I have actually really come to enjoy time with friends and miss them when they aren't around. This to me feels like a massive step!
While this might come across as quite a negative read I really want to emphasise that there is hope, I don’t want to brush over the topic and say it is all fine and easy because its not! It is hard and emotionally draining. People can be so horrible but there are also people out there who are amazing and accepting. I also want to remind any autistic individuals out there that you can make amazing friends and that you have values that are so key to a solid friendship so please please don’t give up. Over the years I have come to realise its not about quantity its about quality.
For
any parents of autistic young people I really encourage you to continue to
support this process. It is hard and exhausting but your role is so important. Firstly
you are a massive support base and this is so important when things don’t quite
go so well. You can really help though simple steps such as helping develop our
emotional resilience, conversation/ turn taking skills and understanding others
emotions. These are things that can be done from the safety of home and can be
such a help. It really helps to also encourage friendships with both those on
the spectrum who have that shared understanding but also those without a
diagnosis.
Sorry for a slightly shorter post, not going to lie
this has been a tough one to write, don't think I had realised how much
hurt I have felt over the years when it has come to friendships but I hope that
it has made sense to someone! I have put a few links at the bottom if you want to read more, also very happy to chat more about this topic on twitter/ Instagram.
Time to watch something light-hearted to cheer myself up.
Hannah 😊
NAS as always have some really great have information on the topic:
This article is also an interesting read on some of the
common struggles that autistic individuals face when it comes to making and
maintaining friendships:
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