Things not to say to an Autistic Individual

I have experienced and overheard so many unhelpful comments when it comes to autism. 99% of the time these things are meant with no harm but can come across as upsetting to the individual.

I thought it would be helpful to write down a few that I hear a lot and explain why they aren't the most helpful thing to say.

 However, please remember we are all human and say things that maybe aren't what we meant or cause hurt without realising so please don't beat yourself up if you have said any of these in the past!

1. Everyone is a little bit autistic

Many people think that because Autism is a spectrum that everyone sits on the spectrum. If this was true why would autistic people and their families be fighting for autism awareness? It can also make autistic individuals feel as though their experiences are belittles or devalued when people say that we are all on the spectrum. This can make the challenges autistic people face seem trivial, for example if someone had just swan the channel and our response was who hasn't I swim all the time it belittles that amazing achievement and challenge.

2. So are you really smart?

So often it is assumed that because someone is autistic they have an enormous brain, some autistic people do have incredible brains and can learn and retain loads of information however there are plenty of other autistic individuals with completely average IQ, me included!!

3. You don't look autistic.

I'm not 100% what an autistic person looks like if I'm honest... that's probably enough said! Every Autistic individual is unique, even the same individual can present differently in different situations so I don't think anyone can meet one description of looking autistic (whatever that is!). If i had been given a £1 for every time someone says this to me I would be doing very well!

4. You don't act autistic

Similarly to above how does an autistic person act? Everyone autistic or not is different. Many autistic people, like me are able to mask to fit into the 'normal world which can be exhausting. Just because you don't see typical 'autistic' behaviours does not mean that person isn't autistic. Out and about I may look completely 'normal' but when alone or with close family/ friends I am regularly seem rock, fidgeting, bouncing to help self regulate.

5. I struggle with social situations too, I must be autistic

There are many reasons why you may not enjoy social situations. This one fact alone does not mean you are autistic. In fact plenty of autistic individual really enjoy social situations.

6. Oh I know someone with Autism and your not like them

Yes you might but that means you know ONE person with autism. The way that that individual experiences Autism is likely to be completely different to the next Autistic individual that you meet. 

7. But you're only a little bit autistic

You may only see small aspects of how that individual experiences autism therefor saying this can be a little hurtful to an autistic individual. Just because the individual doesn't appear to be struggling it doesn't mean that they aren't, many autistic individuals are very good at masking when out and about.

8. Autism should be cured

No, just no! There is nothing about Autism that needs curing! If anything society needs to be more open and accepting. Yes autism brings challenges but it also brings diversity to the world. Making the world accessible doesn't disadvantage others if anything it can help. 

9. Are you high or low functioning?

This can be quite disabling to autistic individuals and their families. Describing someone as being low functioning can diminish their abilities, equally using the term high functioning can add barriers to additional support. The term high or low support needs could be a better term to use.

10. What caused your autism?

Nothing caused my Autism. There is nothing wrong with me being Autistic! Please don't blame bad parenting, Vaccines etc. These things have nothing to do with Autism!!!

11. Do you don't need special treatment - you can cope.

First of all it is not special treatment it is reasonable adjustments. And yes I might cope but reasonable adjustments make it easier for me to assess things in a more equal way. Equality is not the same as equity...! The Autistic community face multipul daily challenges - many of which are not seen by others. Therefore occasionally making our lives easier is a BIG relief! I remember being told by a peer when in secondary school, you are the reason my parents pay so much in tax (referring to the fact that I had 1:1 support...)

12. Don't you think that they over diagnose Autism these days?

The diagnosis process for Autism is long (frustratingly long at times!) but this means it is an in depth process. Medical professionals don't make any sort of diagnosis without sufficient evidence that the diagnosis is appropriate. Anyone that has gone though the process of being diagnosed will know that it is a multi professional approach. Therefor those that have a diagnosis have been assessed and met the criteria. Perhaps it is better to say that we are becoming better as a society at recognising autistic traits and therefor referral numbers are increasing and as a result diagnosed numbers are up too.

13. Oh I'm sorry about that.

While almost all autistic individuals face regular challenges most of us don't view it as a tragedy and something we would want to change. It is also really important to remember that those with autism bring so many amazing things to society, attention to detail, incredible memory, genuine people.

14. But your a girl.

For a long time autism was seen as a mainly male condition. Bit over the past few years there has been a push to make it more known that women can also be autistic. Research is now starting to look into the experience of autistic females to better adapt the diagnostic process. Some autistic females may be more able to camouflage copy and mimic non-autistic individuals therefore it may not be as obvious that they are autistic at face value.

15. (Asking a question about the autistic individual to their parent, sibling, friend etc who is standing next to us assuming we can't understand or answer!)

Please don't do this to anyone, autistic or not! That communicates to the individual that they don't matter and don't have anything relevant or meaningful to add to the conversation. Sometimes we may need someone to support us in communicating but please always start with addressing the person you are talking about even if you do end up involving family, friends etc. Also remember that communication needs can change. I can be quite shy and struggle to communicate independently with new people in a new environment so may need more support but as I build confidence I build independence therefore treat each interaction as a fresh.