Following a recent post sharing some of my families perspectives around autism I wanted to share some views from my friends. In this post five of my closest friends of my closest friends (Amelia, Amy, Anna Laura & Verity) have all shared a few thoughts their perspective of having a friend with autism. So over to them...
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Who are you and how do you know me?
I’m Verity, Hannah’s uni friend and a student nurse. We
started our Plymouth training at the same time and Hannah was (and still is
even if she’s a graduate) my friend I would go to when I needed advice around
life or the course or needed a friend to help feel grounded whilst in uni.
What does autism mean to you?
To me autism is complicated, it’s something I’ve made
assumptions about in the past but the more I get to know different people on
the spectrum and more about autism as a whole the more I realise how little I
can ever understand about living with autism because of how individual and
situation dependant it really is, basically the more I learn about it the more
there is to learn!
What are some of the challenges of friendship and Autism?
I think the most challenging thing is watching my friend make
their way in a world that is not built for them, every natural step forward
comes with double the challenges and it’s hard to know the right way to support
Hannah with most of them because only Hannah knows the right way for her which
can make me feel like a bit of a useless friend at times. But actually through
time I’ve learned that even though only Hannah can fix her issues and even if I
might not fully understand how her brain ticks I can still be a supportive
friend to her (If In doubt fish and chips!)
What are some of the benefits of friendship and autism?
Being friends with Hannah has so many benefits! I think the
thing that has helped me through uni and living with different people all with
their different lives has been the sense of calm Hannah has. I know seeing her
won’t be a night out or a dramatic gossip, instead it’s more likely to be a
calming walk filled with life updates and laughter
Is there anything I have taught you?
The first thing Hannah ever taught me is something I am
super super grateful of. Hannah lives her life for her and doesn’t give a damn
about any judgment from people who don’t deserve to give it, this openness and
self acceptance was so refreshing and helped me realise I want that for myself
too! I’m sure a lack of filter has gotten her in trouble before but to me it
was a beautiful display of being yourself and helped me speak my mind and be
the person I wanted to be.
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Who are you and how do you know me?
I'm Amelia, I'm 24 and an office manager at a small merchant services company. I met Hannah through a church small group and am really excited to now be leading one with her!
What does autism mean to you?
I haven't encountered many people in my life who have autism, at least not people that I've been close with, so my understanding of it is still very much developing. It's a hard one to define in so many words, but as far as I can comprehend it, it mostly affects the person's approach to social situations and non-verbal communication, though rarely in the same way as someone else with autism. I think coming to understand that last part has been the most difficult for me - in some respects, I can be pretty black and white about things and so I sometimes find myself making assumptions about how someone with high-functioning autism is going to respond to a certain situation, then quickly finding out that I was wrong! I guess it's a constant learning curve!
What are some of the challenges of friendship and Autism?
Having only known you for a few months, I can't say I've encountered many challenges. I've noticed that you're a literal thinker, which has sometimes put our conversations onto a slightly different track to what I expected, but there's nothing that I've found especially difficult.
What are some of the benefits of friendship and autism?
Oh man, there are so many! I absolutely love spending time with you; you're caring, funny, and really level-headed. We've definitely not hung out enough but when we have, I feel so at ease with you. I also think that what I've seen of your autism has taught me a lot, e.g. when I found out that you were autistic I just assumed that you wouldn't respond well to physical touch, but I was totally wrong - one of the other numerous benefits of our relationship is that you give such great hugs!
Is there anything I have taught you?
I think if there's one thing you've taught me it's that you can't make any assumptions about people with autism. Not that we've ever spoken at length about it but purely from having been friends with you, I've come to realise that there really is a lot of middle ground when it comes to what autism looks like day-to-day. As much as learning about autism from the internet or wherever can be helpful, it's important not to go into interactions with autistic friends with any assumptions until you really know them.
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Who are you and how do you know me?
I’m Laura, married to Kieran and we live in Bristol, where I currently work at the University. Hannah’s parents were my very first Sunday School leaders at church - then, after a few years after we had moved away, Hannah’s family came to live where we did and we reconnected with them. We spent endless hours (along with my brother and Hannah’s sisters) going over after school and playing all sorts of made up games (very treasured memories!), going on holidays together and have stayed very close friends as we’ve all grown up.
What does autism mean to you?
Autism has always been something I’ve been aware of, but haven’t encountered all that much. I suppose from an outside perspective it looks like some social anxieties, struggling to communicate and just generally finding it a little harder to fit into society’s ‘box’. But since understanding more of Hannah’s autism and seeing it in others, I’ve definitely realised that it really is a spectrum and autism can look quite different for each individual.
What are some of the challenges of friendship and Autism?
I think when we were growing up it started to become clear that Hannah approached things differently to the rest of us, and honestly it made me quite sad not really understanding why you didn’t want to join in with certain things, or sometimes felt like you didn’t enjoy our company. I think I was told about your diagnosis, but maybe I was too young or naive to fully appreciate how that actually made a difference. I suppose I wish I could have known how to include you better, and to avoid doing things that might have made you feel uncomfortable.
What are some of the benefits of friendship and autism?
You always made us laugh and still fit into our games and silliness in your own way which was great. As we’ve grown up you have become so mature and wise and I love chatting to you about what you are up to. I think your autism means ‘what you see is what you get’, and I love that. You’re always clear about what you’re thinking or feeling, you know what you want and you’re confident in it. You are also so so kind and have a brilliant but subtle humour which I imagine is perfect for your bedside manner!
Is there anything I have taught you?
Definitely! Sometimes I think the perception is that people with autism might not be aware of their differences, or try to hide them, but you’ve shown me that you can be very aware of your diagnosis, how it changes the way you behave and just completely embrace it. I love the confidence you have gained in using your autism to your advantage rather than your detriment! You’ve shown me that it is possible to live with autism while you grow close friendships, live away from home, achieve your goals and, to do it all with a smile. When I see some of the children at church who have autism and their parents tell me they’re worried about how they’ll fit in, you’ve given me the confidence to encourage them that they can absolutely achieve and thrive as much as anyone else. You should be so proud of yourself!
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Who are you and how do you know me?
I am Amy! Hannah and I met through our involvement in athletics, almost 6 years ago now! Hannah turned up to training one evening and I remember chatting to her in the clubhouse, seeming pretty nervous at the time myself and a few others took her under our wings to ease her into our crazy little training group! Since then, despite moving off to different universities and parting ways with athletics we have always kept in touch with regular catch ups over a cuppa tea or long dog walk!
What does autism mean to you?
I had never viewed autistic people that differently to myself really, but maybe that is because I had never experienced first-hand the challenges people with autism face. Having met Hannah and after reading her blog posts I realise how naive I have been to their different views of the world. I would like to think that I can now better understand autism as the need for structure and consistency in an everchanging world that can be particularly daunting at times.
What are some of the challenges of friendship and Autism?
Everything must be organised and planned in advance. Hannah and I are polar opposites in this sense. I’m the kind of person that makes a plan on the day (and ironic that I’m writing this the night before Hannah is posting it!), but Hannah likes to know exactly what is happening a good few days if not weeks in advance. It might have caused some tension between us in the past but hey at least I have someone to keep me on track!
What are some of the benefits of friendship and autism?
Hannah brings many invaluable qualities to our friendship. It might sound cliché but as the most reliable person I know, since we became friendsHannah has been there for me, whether that is at the other end of the phone or a short car journey away. I know if I pick up the phone, she will answer whether its just for a chat or for some friendly advice!
Hannah’s logical brain also means that she almost always has a solution for everything! I can always trust her to put me back on the straight and narrow with any kind of life advice.
Hannah also has a huge heart, always able to notice when something is not right and comfort me when I need it most. But she also never fails to make me smile when it's been 'one of those days'. A quality of our friendship that I appreciate the most but probably don't thank her enough!
Is there anything I have taught you?
As you may have guessed…both Hannah and I are learning to compromise, its only taken almost 6 years! Whilst it is difficult at times to make a plan, especially in a job where I don’t know where I’m going to be and when, Hannah is getting more used to my spontaneous nature. In return I hope that I am getting better at planning in advance…although I’m still yet to master Hannahs commitment to using a diary, hopefully that will click within the next 6 years of our friendship!!!
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Who are you and how do you know me?
I’m Anna, I am a wife and mother and I got to know Hannah when her family lived near us, Hannah would come round regularly and we’d chat and pray together and she’s help me out with the kids!
What does autism mean to you?
My understanding of autism is constantly evolving, and my daughter is currently awaiting an assessment and they are all different. I think at it’s base it means seeing the world differently to neurotypicals and struggling to interact and understand others as well as often a struggle to understand and definitely explain your own self.
What are some of the challenges of friendship and Autism?
I
actually don’t see a lot of challenges to our relationship! I guess at the
moment as we live far away from each other one of the challenges can be around
compartmentalising, when each of us is in separate worlds it can be hard to
communicate, find a way/means of reaching out to the other.
What are some of the benefits of friendship and autism?
I really enjoy the straightforwardness of our
communication, you always know where you stand and Hannah always says what she
means, she is so genuine. She is very
thoughtful and caring, she is one of the best house guests always willingly
helping with the washing up and great at playing with the kids and the dog!
I love being able to talk with her and having
spent quite a bit of time with each other now I know we can be willing to ask
questions if there are things we don’t understand and the openness and honesty
is refreshing.
Is there anything I have taught you?
Hannah has taught me a lot! We both have struggles with
uncertainty and not knowing what’s happening next or change. We were reading through the Psalms in the
Bible together and realised that we both like to think we are in the driving
seat of our lives and the reality that we can’t control things can be scary but
we are both learning to let God be the driver, he has a better idea of where we
are going and how to get there than we do! Hannah often reminds me of this,
God’s driving, he’s got this.
Hannah has also helped me to understand some of the
struggles my daughter is going through particularly as she is adjusting to secondary
school.
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Thank you so much Verity, Amelia, Laura, Amy and Anna for sharing these thoughts. I really hope that it will be of help to anyone who is reading! I also want to say a massive thank you to you all for your support over the years. I know that there have been challenges that each of you have helped me with in different ways, your support is invaluable.
I want to echo this is every friend of an autistic individual no words can describe how incredible you all are! I also really hope that this is an encouragement to autistic individuals out there that might be doubting themselves as a friend, autism does not mean you have to be isolated, the right people are out there sometimes it just takes a bit of time to find them!
Ps this post has made me realise I am rubbish at taking photos with friends! Especially with Anna, I have loads of pictures of your Dog and three lovely children but none of us!!
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