Welcome!!

Well after many years of debating weather to document my life growing up autistic now is finally the time! I want to use this as a platform to engage anyone who has an interest in autism from those with a diagnosis (however new or old!) those who support or live with an autistic person, teachers, health professionals and quite frankly anyone who has the time!

I want this first post to be selfish and to be ‘All about me!’. In future posts I really want to put down some of my experiences of growing up (both good and bad) and mix it in with advice and a place for others to share their stories and advice with me! Being an autistic young person is isolating and I really hope to build a community of like minded people for everyone who is reading this (including myself, although arguably I’m writing rather than reading!).

So onto my story...

I was diagnosed with Aspergers in 2009 in my last year of primary school. At this point I had relatively little understanding about what this diagnosis meant and while school was tough at times I had two good friends who provided me with more than enough social contact to not feel isolated or abnormal to my peers. When I moved from primary school to secondly school however things became much more challenging. 

I really struggled with making and maintaining friends and ended up making friends with vulnerable people that ended up using me and then moving on leaving me isolated yet again. I was subjected to a lot of bullying for just not fitting in. I found the stage of life when teens are known to rebel against rules a really hard one and this made me stand out even more. I like order and if rules are there they are to be followed. This meant I was the uncool one with perfect uniform, never handing in homework late, never skiving a lesson etc. I remember being called teachers pet etc and just not understanding why, there was nothing good about what I was doing. I was simply following the rules. Secondary school became such a hard place that I ended up basically living in the student support unit. One of the only places I felt safe. I wasn't able to manage the full school day like others did and so ended up with an adapted timetable, dropping some subjects for rest and re-processing time. The lessons that I was able to go to I went along with a 1:1 teaching assistant who would sit next to me which again doesn't really make you fit in but in my head they were my friends someone who would talk to me and be my partner in the inevitable tasks that involved finding a friend to work with. As I moved up towards GCSEs a timetable was prepared for me that took a very different focus to academic work. I was amazingly lucky to have a SENCo who could simply not do enough for me or my parents. She bent over backwards to make any aspect of school a better place for me. One that sticks in my mind was when it was my tutor groups turn to do litter picking she noticed me on the playground of quite a cold and rainy day. She came out and told the teacher keeping an eye on us that she needed to borrow me... turns out she had no need to borrow me but simply said I wouldn't want to be out litter picking in this come and hide in my office, nobody will know! Maybe this can be my one claim to skiving in school?! 

I began GCSEs in a very different way. I remained doing English and Maths but that was about it. I spent one day a week on a farm, one day in a primary school and the rest of the time I spent in the support unit learning more practical life skills. I remember doing a lot of cooking, walks, making shopping lists and going to Tesco's, trips to cafes where I was the one that had to talk to place the order, forest school etc. At first this was great. I would walk past all my peers sat in history looking very bored as I headed out in my wellies to go and make a shelter on the school field but I began to develop self awareness that this wasn't normal. I didn't like this. At this point in time the head teacher was very much grade focused and his eyes I was a right off but yet again the SENCo (Dame Judy!) came in and stood my ground. I picked up a few more GCSEs and at first began to go with a teaching assistant but then realised actually I wanted to go alone. Of course I came across hurdles. Such as in English Lit when questions arose around what do you think the character is thinking here or what was the author implying in this illustration to which my response would be don't really know and if I'm honest I don't really care! But I learnt ways around this. I learnt the common responses that I could real off like a script and sometimes could actually make it sound pretty good! I also decided I wanted to take on the opportunity to do my bronze DofE something that I think put a lot of questions in a lot of peoples minds but I did it. I might have lacked some skills e.g navigation/ map reading but I don't think I can blame autism for our 6 mile detour...!

I got to the end of year 11 with a few friends and 5 GCSEs. I went to the school prom with two friends and even stayed the night with one of them after. I got a part time job in the long summer between year 11 and 12 to give some much needed structure then began on A-Levels. I loved sixth form and finally began to find my feet here. I had the huge benefit of the sixth form being attached to my secondary school so i had the safety net of the student support department to fall back on to but over time I visited them less and less. Until it got to the point the only time I would visit was once a week when I went back to support a younger student once a week with autism. More discreet methods of support were used in sixth form such as I was given an iPad and one of the learning support assistants would always carry another one. This meant if I needed help or became over whelmed I could simply send a message and they would come to the room I was in and ask to borrow me for 10 minutes. This meant it was discreet and actually in having this in place knowing I could escape I rarely used it. I began to use more natural support mechanisms such as the support of my peers and personal tutor which helped me to feel much more normal. During my time at sixth form I also joined a local athletics group which turned out to be an amazing thing. I made the most amazing friend there who I would say is the first person to accept me for who I am, even if my constant need for plans drives her a little up the wall  (Sorry Amy!). I learnt to drive which gave me independence in a whole new sense. My athletics family became the most amazing support network and I finally felt like a normal teenager, experiencing normal stresses and worries (e.g. exams, university places)

I finished sixth form with 3 A-Levels in Psychology, sociology and English Language and secured a place at university to begin my nursing training. 

Since being at uni I have finally found my feet and have loved the independence I have. I control so much more of my life now down to small details such as what time I want dinner. I have been able to access support in an almost normal way though my personal tutor with some added support from a specialist mentor funded though the disabled student allowance and as I am sat her writing this is am a matter of weeks from being a qualified nurse. I have a job lined up and am in the process of buying my own house. 

There are a few other people that have been an amazing support along the way but I haven't found a place to fit them in so I'll put them here as they make up a big part of the story:

Firstly, the amazing CAMHS nurse who at first was very much a support to my parents as I refused to speak to this strange lady about everything that was hard and rubbish. In my head she would make me talk about things that made me upset and that was pointless. I was quite happy to have the morning off school playing in the garden while mum and dad spoke to her and I maybe stuck my head in when really encouraged. As the years went on I realised that actually she was full of pretty good advice and I engaged with her a bit more. I the lead up to going to uni in particular she was an amazing support to me in helping me work out and plan ahead for some of the challenges I may face, squashing many before they even became a problem. It was an honour to be able to go and spend a day with her back on placement during my training seeing her support some of the young people that are walking the path that I was walking a few years previously.  

Next up is Maisie our incredible dog. Might seem strange but she has arguably been one of the best things that ever happened (even if she does stink!). A dog was suggested to my parents at a very low point in school and Maisie lived up to that and more. She became my best friend, and top on my list for finding a house is one that has a garden so Maisie can come and move in with me. She has seen it all and her way of understanding my emotions when I don't understand them myself and have no sensible way of expressing them is incredible (especially for a dog with a non existent brain, sorry Maisie but its true!). 

A finally my parents, I'm not really sure how to put into words the role they have played in my journey because they have been absolutely everything. They have dealt with tantrums that most children grow out of as a toddler coming from a teenager. I'm sure in moments of me feeling so overwhelmed and angry I have said some horrible things to them but they have never stopped fighting for me. I know that if I want to to something they are 100% on my side.

Anyway don't want to end all soppy so will leave it there. I really hope this has been a helpful way to understand a bit more about my journey of growing up. I really hope to continue to post on here about aspects of my journey such as: friendships, Periods, overload, hope for the future etc. I want this blog to be honest but I also want it to be an encouragement that says autism is incredible.

PS sorry if there are some typos I have decided not to read back though this as I want it to be something that comes from my head which certainly isn't perfect, It was also quite hard to write down and lets be honest I've been sat still for a while now so ready to do something else!

Hannah :)